Communication Tools for Collaborative Divorce

Learning to communicate during divorce will have long term benefit for your children and your family relationships.

by Tina Mears, LMFT

Learning to communicate efficiently and effectively is a progression in skills, just like learning a golf swing or entertaining for 50 people. There are many moving parts and it changes depending on who is in front of you. As you go through Collaborative Divorce, communication is a key component to its success.   Yet, it is extremely difficult to achieve because of the newness of the situation and the high emotions that

Collaborative Family Law Group of San Diego with divorce solutions. Call 858-472-4022

Tina Mears, LMFT

come with the experience.

It is possible to achieve peaceful, consistent and purposeful communication with your former partner. It all begins with your mindset. Think about communication as having the highest purpose: your child’s well-being. The Collaborative Process is not about winning or losing, as we often see in litigation. It is about coming together, being supported by a team and communicating through each decision. The following are tools to practice as you take the necessary steps in restructuring your family.

  1. Curiosity – How often do we make an assumption and go in for the attack before really understanding the whole situation? It is extremely important to remain curious in gathering information before making decisions.   We can do this by asking questions, being a good listener and challenging ourselves to think in ways that we aren’t used to.
  2. Triggers – Let’s face it, we get triggered. When we aren’t paying attention and “have our buttons out” others will find ways to push them. Learning how to be more mindful and keeping your buttons in will help in more peaceful communication. It’s also knowing what your triggers are so that you can see them coming and prepare yourself with a response that will de-escalate the moment.
  3. Body Language –Our body language can really set the tone of a conversation. Our thoughts, intentions and feelings are expressed by physical behaviors, which could either help or hurt the forward movement of the process. Good eye contact and a relaxed body position can signal that you are willing to work through an issue.
  4. Listening – We can “say” a lot by not saying anything at all. Active listening is a very effective first response when working through a difficult topic. Collaborative Divorce takes a certain amount of trust and sometimes a person just needs to be heard and acknowledged before willing to consider an alternative or soften their position.
  5. Solution-Focused – Most of the language through this process is about finding solutions and keeping the process moving. Learning to communicate with resolutions in mind will help in avoiding getting stuck. This takes practice in compartmentalizing what’s painful and keeping the health and well-being of your children and yourself in mind.

The ingredients for a successful communication between you and your former partner for the sake of your children are reasonable and fairly simple to explain. They are, however, extremely difficult to achieve. With the help of your divorce coach and the other professionals involved, you can reach mutually satisfying goals that will pave the way for a new start and happy future for everyone.

If you would like to learn more about Collaborative Divorce, the members of the Collaborative Family Law Group of San Diego are here to help you. Contact us at 858-472-4022 or email us at sandiegodivorceoptions@gmail.com

 

 

Divorce Is Not A DIY Project: CNBC.com

Men and women often make financial mistakes when getting divorced. Learn what they are and how to avoid them. San Diego Collaborative Divorce information 858-472-4022

There are websites and apps for dating. It seems inevitable there would eventually be websites and apps for getting a divorce. With 70 percent of all divorces processed without the help of an attorney in California, there are many couples looking for guidance.

Simple online packages are available offering step-by-step plans for a DIY divorce. Price tags range from $749 to $3,000.

Should you consider one of these packages? In a recent CNBC story, Collaborative Family

Justin Reckers, Wellspring Divorce Advisors, urges caution before using a DIY divorce tool.

Justin Reckers, Wellspring Divorce Advisors, urges caution before using a DIY divorce tool.

Law Group of San Diego member Justin Reckers, Certified Financial Planner, Certified Divorce Financial Analyst and CEO of WellSpring Divorce Advisors, cautioned couples to carefully consider their assets and financial circumstances both now and in the future before going this route.

“Worst case scenario they try to do it themselves and screw it up,” Reckers said. “In most jurisdictions, a division of assets and debt is final and you cannot change it unless both parties agree.” Mistakes often mean a couple must hire attorneys after all, long after the fact.

A Collaborative Divorce can save time and money for couples over the cost of a traditional litigated divorce, and can ensure decisions are carefully considered and will stand the test of time. Contact the Collaborative Family Law Group of San Diego at 858-452-7022 to learn about your options and schedule a consultation with one of our members near you.

How the Divorce Process Might Change Your Standard of Living

financial-advisor-banner-HuffPost

The decision to get divorced isn’t one people take lightly. Frequently it comes after months or even years of trying to make it work, and weighing your alternatives.

In this recent column from the Huffington Post, experts including Collaborative Family Law Group of San Diego member Justin Reckers, Justin A. Reckers, CFP, CDFA and CEO of WellSpring Divorce Advisors shared the most important questions people need to ask themselves before moving forward and filing for divorce.

Read the column here.

If you have questions and need answers about your divorce options, contact the Collaborative Family Law Group of San Diego at 858-472-4022 to learn about your options for a healthy, respectful divorce that preserves family relationships, especially with your children, and avoids the expense and pain of a litigated divorce by using the Collaborative Process.

Understanding the Chemistry Of A Divorce

Relationship chemistry is sometimes described as a "spark." There is a chemistry present in a divorce as well.
Relationship chemistry is sometimes described as a "spark." There is a chemistry present in a divorce as well.

Relationship chemistry is sometimes described as a “spark.” There is a chemistry present in a divorce as well.

People often express the need to find “chemistry” in their relationships, the connection, bond, or feeling of commonality between two people. Without positive chemistry, any potential for a relationship is stopped cold.

But even an intense attraction which leads to a marriage can often fade or become lost over time, leading to the decision to divorce. What role does chemistry play at the opposite end of a relationship’s life span?

Michele Sacks LowensteinCertified Family Law Specialist Michele Sacks Lowenstein, member of theCollaborative Family Law Group of San Diego, discussed the role of chemistry in a divorce in a recent interview for the Huffington Post. Lowenstein says attorneys need to understand the role of chemistry when working with their clients.

Lowenstein urges attorneys to problem solve with their clients before going to court. In a Collaborative Divorce, family law attorneys work with divorce coaches and financial specialists to help couples reach a solution for their family in a respectful, fair way withe a problem solving approach rather than an adversarial approach.

Contact the Collaborative Family Law Group of San Diego by calling (858) 472-4022 to help you problem solve and achieve a healthy, respectful divorce.

 

 

In Life and Divorce, The Greatest Rewards Come From the Toughest Challenges

Collaborative Family Law Group of San Diego with divorce solutions. Call 858-472-4022

by Tina Mears, LMF
Collaborative Divorce Coach

Change can bring many wonderful gifts, but it can also be very intimidating. New ways of tina-mears-photothinking and behaving to achieve a goal can be difficult, mostly because for a lot of us, we want to do what we’ve always done.   We think we’re right or the stress of life persuades us to not put in the effort. It’s natural to say, “I already have too much on my plate and I just want to do what I’ve always done because it’s easier!”

Let me offer two strong benefits to going through any transformative process, such as divorce. First is the outcome.   We reach our goals by identifying the right steps and putting in the work. By taking the route of Collaborative Divorce, you are offered the opportunity to reach an agreement that best meets the needs of everyone. Litigation is not an option and the well-being of the entire family, especially the children, is preserved.

Second and most importantly, is what you learn along the way. When we only focus on the end-goal we miss the many parts of ourselves that develop and strengthen as we go. We can all probably come up with examples of how we’ve gained insight and wisdom because of a difficult situation. The Collaborative Divorce process offers the same benefit because it challenges you to be your best at what might be the most difficult time of your life. It’s when we step up to the challenge and commit to the process do we build on how we cope with life, and as a result, other aspects of our lives become less complicated.

Finally, when we as adults find ways to make life easier, we make our children’s lives easier. When we learn how to be patient and problem solve, we can teach them to do the same. If we aren’t teaching our children how to be flexible, respectful and self-controlled, who will?

To collaborate with someone asks you to first have an open mind and an open heart. Compromise is possible when we practice patience, knowledge and endurance. The Collaborative Divorce process will challenge you to summon your best self. But remember, the most difficult challenges will bring the greatest rewards.

 

Del Mar Times: Solana Beach lawyer named president for statewide group

Del Mar Times collaborative divorce Shawn Weber

Del Mar Times collaborative divorce Shawn Weber

Attorney Shawn Weber, a former president and active member of the Collaborative Family Law Group of San Diego, received coverage in the Del Mar Times/Solana Beach Sun as he assumes the presidency of Collaborative Practice California, the statewide association for Collaborative Practice.

Shawn is one of several members who plays a significant professional leadership role in his or her field. Learn more about Shawn and his work in the article or see below.

Del Mar Times collaborative divorce Shawn Weber

 

Collaborative Divorce Gaining Ground in New Jersey

Collaborative Divorce is an option in California and now in New Jersey. Collaborative Divorce saves time and money.

The state of New Jersey already has one of the lowest divorce rates in the United States. For those couples who do make the decision to divorce, they will be better informed about Collaborative Divorce as an option thanks to a new state law signed by Governor Chris Christie. New Jersey is one of 11 states in the U.S. where Collaborative Divorce is an ‘official’ method of divorce along with litigation, mediation, or arbitration.

The high cost of divorce was the reason Assemblyman Holly Schepisi (R-Dist. 39) introduced the New Jersey Family Collaborative Law Act in the first place. The cost of a litigated divorce, she said, can range from $10,000 to hundreds of thousands of dollars.

Significantly, New Jersey’s new law extends the privilege of confidentiality to all the professionals on the collaborative team.

The Collaborative Family Law Group of San Diego applauds this development and we look forward to a day in the near future when Collaborative Divorce is commonly used in all 50 states and the U.S. territories. Read more about the new law here.

 

ESPN Radio 1700 AM Features “Divorce Options” Discussion

Real Estate Radio on ESPN AM 1700 San Diego

Collaborative Family Law Group of San Diego member Shawn Weber, Certified Family Real Estate Radio on ESPN AM 1700 San DiegoLaw Specialist attorney with Brave Weber Mack, recently appeared as a guest on “The Real Estate Radio Hour” on ESPN Radio 1700 AM to talk about the new “Divorce Options” program. Weber reviewed the different choices facing families when considering divorce, and explained how the new workshop program helps individuals understand the options and the differences among them.

Hear the entire interview with Shawn at this link.