Gray divorces and the family: Divorce hurts children of all ages, even when they’re grown

by Constance Ahrons, Ph.D, CFLGSD member

Are you contemplating divorce after being married 20 years or more?  You aren’t alone. In fact, you are part of what some call the gray divorce revolution.

When Al and Tipper Gore announced their divorce, after what appeared to be a long and loving marriage, it shook our beliefs about the sanctity of marriage. If it could happen to them, it could happen to us!

Al and Tipper Gore's wedding, 1970

Al and Tipper Gore on their wedding day in 1970. Photo: Wikimedia Commons

While divorce rates in general have been leveling out since 1980, seekers of divorce after long-term marriages of 20 years or more have been increasing.  Among people aged 50 and older, the divorce rate has doubled over the past two decades.

One reason for the increased rates: we live much longer than we used to. In previous generations some of these longer-term marriages that end in divorce would have ended in death.

When my friend Dorothy, told me she was getting a divorce after 45 years of marriage, I asked her “why now?” at age 70, she had come to that decision.  Her answer: “I woke up on my 70th birthday and thought, ‘I may have another 20 years or more to live, and I don’t want to live it in this cold and empty marriage.’”

About two-thirds of all divorces are initiated by women and this holds true for mid and later life divorces. An AARP survey on mid and older life divorces found that one in four of those who divorced cited infidelity as one of their top three reasons for seeking a divorce, also the same estimate in the general population.

I commonly hear from mid and later life divorcing couples “We wanted to wait until the until the children are grown.” How old do the children have to be before they are considered grown? A common joke in the legal community goes like this: A couple in their 90s appeared before a judge requesting a divorce after 70 years of marriage.  When the judge asked the couple, “why now? They answered, “We wanted to wait until the children were dead.”

Kidding aside, parents often believe if they wait until the children are grown, their divorce will not damage them. There are no custody or child support issues, nor do the children have to transition back and forth between parents.  Although this is true, it does not mean that adult children—and grandchildren—aren’t impacted by divorce in the older generation.

Unlike divorce in earlier life stages when considerable thought and planning go in to how parents will continue to parent, in a gray divorce the adult children are almost invisible in the process.

We know when parents embroil their children in their conflicts, this distresses younger children. But it is just as important that parents in mid and later life consider the effect on grown children.

With adult children, divorcing parents are even more likely to embroil the children in their conflicts by turning to them for advice and sharing issues about the breakdown of the marriage or the intricacies of their divorce settlement. Adult children are often expected to take sides or take care of a parent that is not coping well with the divorce.

Long held family rituals may become impacted. If we always spent Christmas together as a family, will we continue to do so after a divorce?  What about that annual family vacation? If Jane is in college, will she stay with her mother or her father during school break? How will she decide without favoring one parent over the other?  When a grandchild is having a birthday celebration, will both grandparents be invited?

Adult children do experience distress when their parents’ long-term marriage comes to an end. The adult children I speak to often express that they haven’t been heard. They don’t know why their parents are divorcing. They are angry about their parents disrupting their lives.  One 30-year old woman tearfully told me about her parents’ divorce, “I always thought they had a good marriage and now I find out they didn’t. I always thought my childhood was happy, but was it, really?”

Collaborative divorce can go a long way toward addressing these concerns with gray divorces. In collaborative divorce, a couple works with a team, which is comprised of lawyers, mental health professionals, and often a financial specialist, who help them navigate their divorce in a respectful and healthy manner. It is common for each spouse to have his/her own divorce coach, and for minor children to be assigned a child specialist coach.

When adult children are involved, both coaches and/or a family specialist may meet with whole family to help them determine how their family will continue after the divorce.

Divorcing parents at this stage still have the responsibility to establish some rules for how the family will preserve its bonds with the least amount of distress for all.  Rather than leave it to the kids to decide which parent will attend what, or which holidays will be spent with which parent, the parents need to decide if they are able to share these treasured times.  If not, they need to decide a fair way to divide their family participation and let the kids know.

A gray divorce can disturb the foundation of the extended family. Every member feels the fall-out. It is important to acknowledge the impact on all generations and work with the family as a whole to minimize the negative impact across the generations.

Constance Ahrons, Ph.D

www.constanceahrons.com

858-274-8943

Author, The Good Divorce: Keeping Your Family Together When Your Marriage Falls Apart, and We’re Still Family: What Grown Children Have to Say About Their Parents’ Divorce

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Don’t Let a Gray Divorce Put You In The Red Financially

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The issues surrounding a “Grey Divorce” – divorcing in your 50s, 60s, or later years  – present many of the same issues that occur when divorcing at earlier ages.

However, the fact the divorce is happening later in life can present unique financial challenges.  There is less time to financially recover from a divorce that happens late in one’s working career or in retirement.

It’s imperative that both spouses work together to openly evaluate and understand the potential financial impact of a gray divorce. This is where considering collaborative divorce can present distinct advantages.

A collaborative divorce, one in which the parties agree to work together with experts to problem solve outside the courts, can preserve financial and emotional resources while achieving a resolution that respects everyone’s needs.

One of those experts is a financial professional, who can help you evaluate common issues in the divorce process involving money.

Some of those common issues you may be facing in a gray divorce:

  • What happens to the marital home?  Often one spouse is attached to the idea of remaining in the house.  However, this may be an unrealistic dream given the financial realities of the divorce.
  • What will future income flows look like from such sources as pension plans, Social Security, and investment income?
  • Prior to retirement, is this income level adequate for both spouses?  Will these income flows be adequate at the desired retirement age, or should one consider working longer before retirement?
  • How are assets like pensions, investments, real property, business interests, life insurance, etc. to be appraised and divided?
  • Are there specific health issues that need to be understood and addressed?  What assumptions are to be made regarding medical coverage, benefits, and costs?  Have provisions for long term care been adequately addressed?
  • Are there special needs for the children and/or grandchildren that need to be addressed?
  • What impact will the divorce have on existing estate plans, wills, trusts, Powers of Attorney, medical directives, beneficiary designations, gifting strategies, legal title to assets, and any other applicable items?
  • Has credit eligibility and creditworthiness for both souses been addressed?

Divorcing in one’s golden years can happen at a time when retirement is approaching and incomes may start to shrink.  There is less time to recover from the financial impact of a divorce at an older age. Carefully and realistically assess the financial, emotional, and legal impact of the divorce in light of the unique challenges it may pose.

 

 

A divorce lawyer’s 7 Valentine’s Day tips for a happy marriage

Other than Cupid, there’s no one better qualified to give advice on love and marriage than a divorce attorney. After being involved in hundreds of divorce proceedings, there are certain failings in common that might not seem so obvious. Sure, there is infidelity, and there is abuse. But many marriages end for reasons that are preventable.

How can a couple guard against seeing their marriage become just another unfortunate statistic? Just in time for Valentine’s Day, read CFLGSD member attorney Myra Chack Fleischer’s column for Communities Digital News with her seven tips for a lasting, happy marriage.

 

Love and Real Estate with CFLGSD attorney Shawn Weber on “The Real Estate Radio Hour”

MP900446428[1]

Attorney Shawn Weber discussed collaborative divorce, mediation, deferring sale of the family residence, and the phenomenon called “nesting” during his Valentine’s Day  appearance on the Real Estate Radio Hour on San Diego AM 1700 ESPN Radio.  Shawn has become the show’s resident expert on “Love and Real Estate.” It’s a perfect topic for February and Valentine’s Day.

Click this link to hear the podcast.

Love and Real Estate: Radio Interview featuring attorney Shawn Weber

Just in time for Valentine’s Day! Attorney and CFLG San Diego member Shawn Weber Real Estate Radio on ESPN AM 1700 San Diegojoins hosts David McElveen and Ryan White on ESPN 1700 AM Radio for an interview on “The Real Estate Radio Hour” on January 24, 2013.

Weber talks about his new guide answering common questions about real estate ownership for people changing marital status, including the advantages of collaborative divorce. Listen to the interview here.

 

 

 

Why Collaborative Divorce is a Better Option for Parents and Their Children

By Debra N. Caligiuri, attorney and mediator, CFLG San Diego Member

January is International Child Centered Divorce Month – a whole month dedicated to alerting parents about the effects of divorce on children and teaching them how to prevent emotional and psychological damage to children during and after a divorce. One of the named promoters of this concept is a helpful website, Our Family Wizard.

Our Family Wizard Website

The Our Family Wizard website can make parenting after divorce easier for everyone.

Our Family Wizard provides child custody and co-parenting tools to divorcing couples. Parenting between two people who are no longer a couple, and not in the same home, can become complicated. The Our Family Wizard website is an effective, common sense way for you and your co-parent to create parenting schedules, communicate important kid-related items with your co-parent, and make and keep a record of shared child-related expenses.

San Diego Family Court judges frequently recommend (and sometimes order) parents to make use of the tools Our Family Wizard offers. Their goal in providing positive resources for parents is to improve the lives of children of divorce. My clients who use the site appreciate its simplicity and cost-effectiveness.

Most parents are aware that how you conduct yourself during and after the divorce process will impact your children for years to come. Studies reveal that divorce does not necessarily harm children, and in some instances may improve children’s lives. But there is no doubt that a high level of conflict between you and your spouse can seriously damage your kids.

Fortunately, divorcing parents now have options and resources available to help keep conflict with one another to a minimum. They are no longer stuck with going through an adversarial divorce in a court of law, with attorneys who are profiting off the conflict. Instead, they have options. Among the best: choosing attorneys who promote the childrens’ best interests by offering a collaborative approach to divorce. With the appropriate level of professional expertise and support, you and your spouse are able to focus on what truly is important to your family’s lives.

Choose collaborative. Your children will thank you for it.

Contact Debra N. Caligiuri at www.caligiurilaw.com or call 760-477-8595.

Advice on How To Tell Kids About Divorce

How to tell your kids about divorce

In this post from the blog PsychCentral.com, author Suzanne Phillips, Psy.D, ABPP, offers advice not just on what to say, but how to say it. Phillips also points out that children will watch what you do and how you act even more closely. Read Phillips’ advice here. From your experience, has she got it right?

CFLGSD member Myra Fleischer Welcomes Israeli Idol singer Hagit Yaso to San Diego for Benefit Concert

CFLGSD members actively donate their time to numerous charitable causes. Attorney Myra Fleischer recently welcomed “Israeli Idol” singer Hagit Yaso to San Diego for a benefit concert on behalf of the Jewish National Fund. Fleischer is the San Diego regional board president. The successful event raised funds and awareness, drawing a crowd of 450 people to the Lawrence Jewish Community Center.

Singer Hagit Yaso and Myra Fleischer

Myra Fleischer (third from left) and Myra’s family join Israeli Idol singer Hagit Yaso (second from left) before her recent benefit concert in San Diego on behalf of the Jewish National Fund.

Israeli Idol Hagit Yaso

Israeli Idol Hagit Yaso sings at a benefit concert in San Diego on behalf of the Jewish National Fund. 

Jewish National Fund San Diego region president Myra Fleischer
Myra Fleischer, San Diego region president of the Jewish National Fund, speaks to the audience at a benefit concert in San Diego.

 

Fiscal Cliff Divorce Planning

Jumping off the fiscal cliff

Don’t jump off the fiscal cliff in the midst of a divorce without a safety net in place.

With the fiscal cliff seemingly looming as a reality, Justin Reckers, CFP, CDFA of Pacific Divorce Management has advice on financial planning strategies if your divorce settlement could be affected by this situation. Read more here and talk to legal and financial professionals such as the team at CFLG San Diego if you need to take action before the end of the year.

 

 

Gift Giving: Can You Take Out the Emotion and Leave the Joy?

CFLG San Diego member Justin Reckers, CFP®, CDFATM, AIF®, managing director at Pacific Divorce Management, was recently interviewed for a story about advising financial clients about how to keep holiday spending under control. While Justin doesn’t specifically address divorced families, it’s not uncommon for divorced parents to try and make it up to their children by giving lavish gifts that they really cannot afford. This is great advice for them, and for anyone tempted to spend beyond his or her means.

Read the article here.