Tips for Empty Nesters When the Kids Leave for College

Many parents are working through the transition in their lives created when their children leave for college. As CFLGSD member and family law attorney Julia Garwood notes, things change. They no longer know when the kids are home, whether they are eating or sleeping properly, who they are hanging out with, and other everyday activities.

Many couples find themselves in the situation where the kids are gone and they are left with a spouse that they no longer know – except in relationship to the children. It can be a crucial time in your marriage. Unfortunately, some empty nesters find themselves contemplating divorce or separation because they’ve spent so much time being parents that they forget how to be lovers. But it doesn’t have to be that way.

College Empty NestersGarwood has excellent advice for parents who might feel confused or even overwhelmed by the changes created due to your child’s new “freedom,” and your own new “freedom” as a result. Read her excellent tips here to help survive the transition to becoming a happy empty nesting couple.

 

 

Collaborative Divorce Presentation Scheduled October 3: Resolving Disputes Respectfully with a Commitment to Avoiding Courtrooms

The Family Law Section of the San Diego County Bar Association features CFLG San Diego members Hildy L. Fentin, CFLS; Myra C. Fleischer, CFLS; Justin A. Reckers, CFP, CDFA; and Constance R. Ahrons, Ph.D. in a seminar on Collaborative Divorce on October 3 at 12 noon at the SDCBA Conference Center.

The goal of Collaborative Divorce is to transform the resolution of family law issues through processes that protect the emotional and financial integrity and health of all the people involved without having to resort to court litigation.

The presenters will introduce attendees to the Collaborative Divorce process, including the:

  • Definition of a Collaborative case
  • Core goals of the Collaborative model
  • Make-Up of the Collaborative team

Common misunderstandings of the process and how to begin to practice Collaborative Divorce will also be addressed.

Core elements of contractual and personal commitments in Collaborative Divorce are:

  • Negotiating a mutually acceptable settlement without having courts decide issues
  • Maintaining open communication and information sharing
  • Creating shared solutions acknowledging the highest priorities of all

Click here to download the PDF flyer. Click here to register for the Live Internet Webcast.

Note: The program is intended for attorneys and law students, and is not open to the general public.

See the calendar of events page on the SDCBA website here for more information.

 

 

 

Survey: Single Fathers Head Record Number of Households with Minor Children in U.S.

A record 8% of households with minor children in the United States are headed by a single father, up from just over 1% in 1960, according to a Pew Research Center analysis of Decennial Census and American Community Survey data.

SDT-2013-07-single-fathers-01The number of single father households has increased about ninefold since 1960, from less than 300,000 to more than 2.6 million in 2011.

The entire Pew Research study can be found at this link. There is a tremendous amount of data offered in this study which could be useful to anyone dealing with issues affecting families including divorce, custody and support issues.

Have you run across this trend in your own professional experience? Tell us and add your observations in the comments section.

When Advice Hurts, Not Helps During a Divorce

by Mel Mackler, MA, LMFT
Coaching and Education for an Emotionally Healthy Divorce

In the face of adversity, we all can use support and, sometimes, advice from friends and family that we trust and are close to us.  These two camps are always ready to come to our aid and defense when we are in stress or in anxiety.  This can be especially true when someone is going through a family break-up due to a divorce.

Divorce anxiety can fuel a sense of being in danger.  We are apt to scurry to an attorney for safety and protection before we understand the kind of divorce process the attorney practices, and before we understand which form of divorce process suits our family best.  There is a second area of vulnerability you need to be alert to: accepting advice and information from friends and family.

While emotional support and a good ear to vent into are two worthwhile supports to anyone going through adversity, it is important to be aware that advice coming from friends and family members who love us is going to be biased.  These people want to give us their best, but often give advice that is not in our family’s best interest.  Loved ones want to back us up, give us strength to fight back and to protect our children and our family’s assets.  Your fear can fuel their anxiety, and that can lead to impulsive and protective advice from your loved ones—advice that isn’t necessarily helpful.

Friends and family often do not clearly understand the method of divorce being used to achieve a cooperative settlement.  Many people have not heard of a collaborative divorce.  To many people, divorce is simply divorce—a confrontive process that puts one party at the advantage of the other. They will not understand that you have made a decision to work cooperatively with your spouse or partner and to minimize dissension.

If your decision has been to work cooperatively with your spouse or partner, then the advice from your supporters might cause you to move in a direction opposite from your goal.  Yet, in a moment of anger or anguish, it isn’t unusual for someone to grasp the advice he or she received and follow through.

It’s at these times that you should caution yourself.  Contact your attorney, your divorce coach or your therapist.  Discuss your fears, and the advice that your support team gave you.  Ask one of your professionals for his or her advice about following through with the suggestions your support team has made.  While this consultation may cost you a few dollars, it may save you a great deal more if the advice from your friends is inappropriate to your goals for your divorce.

It’s always so easy to react; and sometimes you’re going to feel it is imperative to react immediately.  Taking several deep breaths, then using your brain and your professional team before you decide what to do can be far more beneficial for the long haul.  Play it smart, not impulsively.